This week ……..
5 months of a musical and very emotional journey , coming to a close .
My own life perspectives changing dramatically . Internally and Externally.
I have upgraded gear in my Studio substantially , and ask my self why .. I spent a lot ….
Recent anticipated Loss of a long term friend , who was a guide to me … over many years. Contact is gone and no responses .
So many things I wish I could say openly but they will remain silent .
I am sitting in bed looking out the second story window of my house , wishing I was somewhere or someone else ….. Not because I don’t understand who I am , I actually like certain parts of my psyche , and personality . But my life isn’t what I want it to be because something so incredibly valuable is missing from it . And It quite possibly will never come .
The Material Life we build , never replaces the needs we have as a human .
And we build ourselves into a corner over time , leaving no escape route in case things don’t turn out the way they should . My house doesn’t feel like home . Divided and separate in all things .
Yet my Studio is in my home .
I have a good reputation for my work , Location sound , I get the job done . Working outside is always what it is , I am away from where I am basically isolated from everyone and everything . Like sitting in bed staring out the window ……..
I am missing the one thing in my life , that would make my life worth actually living . And I would be willing to sacrifice so much , to have it . With just a word … I would .
When you know that life could actually be everything you ever wanted and dreamed of , but it is just out of your reach , and you know ….. without question, you know .
So I am staring out my window at a winter sky , and listening to the cold wind blow . Right through my heart .