FB is a trap of Social Mediocrity, Trying to keep up with what everyone else has to say .
I just went thru a very interesting year , since May 4 of last year ( 2017 ) ,… I was put on an emotional journey , that over the course of the the next months from that day , would lead me into parts of myself I didn’t know or realized existed or how much influence they had over my life without knowing about it . I have expanded and contracted in so many ways , I could not begin to relate .
And almost none of it ,…is on my Blog …. ( This is a shame )
But I have some new perspectives in life ,… I have a new version of me being built , ( It will take time) …. I am aware of so much more than I was one year ago . But will exist in a melancholy state for some time . As you see , there was a person involved in my transformation so to speak . And influence , a mechanism or key , to open locks and boxes long held closed and containing parts of me that had not been dealt with .
As Well as introducing me to an emotional construct I had never truly been a victim of .
My Childhood , was not normal , not by any stretch of the imagination , I did not have Middle School ,High School ,College…. , Social structure at all . Long story , but truly I did not get the Social Education needed to function in life . Technical knowledge abounds in areas , but much of the ability to change and adapt as times changed socially ,
non-existent ,….. this is a learning process happening now .
So much missing from my younger days ,… The Idea of First Love ,…. 17 -20 years old , first heart break etc , , Nope ….. I had Girls , yeah ,…. there were lovers , quite a few . We had liaisons or Intimacies that satisfied what we needed from each other at the time .
But not Love …. The First real heart break ,… the one that teaches you how to deal with difficult emotions and survive them and keep going …… Didn’t have it .
I know what it feels like now …… and I almost didn’t survive it .
Throughout November December , January , I went into a very very deep depression , over things I had no control of , or what I did have the responsibility of controlling , Simply did not know how … and failed on so many levels , in a very sensitive area of life that no one sees , as we all wear our masks to play the theater we play . Feb 1 ,… I almost left this plain of existence …… I also lost someone who I wanted and valued as friend in my life so much that there is no description available for me to put it into words .
It was that persons Influence and effect on me that put the changes in my life into motion….. And then to lose them , and watch that person walk away . on Feb 3 … two days after ….. On my Blog , scroll down to Feb 3 , for the Poem I wrote that day to see what effect it had on me . ..
I am playing guitar again ….after several years of not , I started writing poetry again , after over 25 years of not . Very Deep poetry , from places in my heart that had long been concealed and buried because of damage beyond my own comprehension .
That Damage was exposed to me during the last year …. vividly .
Also the other side , that parts of myself that I look at , and can see that ,..It is worth it to keep them intact .
I have lived thru Isolation , and Loneliness here in Japan over 15 years that has ruined other people …..
Example , One of my favorite singers in the Musical universe , Brad Delph , from the band Boston , surrounded by people , that speak his own language , and music , the family bond of that and everything that goes with it …. was ALONE ,….in his own mind and heart he was alone and unable to connect to what he had right around him ….. so much so that he left us ……
I live where it is very quiet , and just an hour 20 minutes away , is Tokyo , the Biggest city on the Planet …. with included suburbs , 30 million plus walking around every day .
And now lost in that crowd is someone who carries parts of me with them . Missing pieces of me ….. and I may never see them again …. it is a pain I am not sure how to describe ………
So I begin rebuilding ….. I begin the cleaning , I begin the structuring and understanding of myself ….in a way I never knew I would need to . But it is me …. truly , for the first time . Because of how this person opened me up , to see all the facades that had been built as defenses over a lifetime , to just simply be able to get by . One day I hope they will realize what they meant to me .
And All of what Happened is missing from my Blog , only tidbits …
Because of the circumstances , I was really unable to detail anything in good conscience , to protect reputations etc , … whatever,… we live in a very different world than we did 20 years ago . Information is instant , and lives can change in even a shorter period of time . Emotions are a commodity ,… and can be unwelcome , as we live more in a…..
throwaway society ,…swipe left , swipe right ….
another change just for the night,
repair nothing , keep only what you need
Soundbyte Knowledge of which we feed
our spirits and minds , forget the hearts
forward motion , no stops and starts
dreams come dreams go ,
but in this , non equitable ebb and flow
somehere there is a space ……
somewhere a time and place
for the memories I cannot replace
with just casual observations .
So much more to me than
the weight of consternation
of deeply ingrained , trepidations
that were falsely adapted ,
for protection not of self but of heart .
For it was a real moment that transpired ,
It was a Real vision that inspired ,
It was a true taste of what had not been known
It was the first glimpse of what should be home .
For home is what a heart , any heart truly searches for .
A Place to stay and move from nevermore ,
to believe , to surrender , to allow to be rendered
into a part of someone else ,…and there be tended to .
Like a part of the garden of that persons existence .
or even more , to dive into without resistance .
To crave ,… long for , and ache ,….
in a space in time that 20 years did forsake
the owner of , to believe in love …. yet not see it resolved
Can you imagine this fate ?
This moment of clarification
under the blinding illuminations
of truths , you are simply not allowed to relate ..
So you swallow them , like a bitter pill ….
but I have memories ,…. of things more intimate still ,..
than any kiss would ever give …..
there were no Kisses ….
Not even near misses ,
They were not the desire , nor the intent
But the heart was opened up and it was torn into a million pieces
and molded, twisted , pressed , formed , and into something new it was rent …..
Because the Love in question was in fact Completely innocent …. and beautiful in more ways than I can count .
But that time has passed ,…. And time moves on , and there is no continuation of that song ,
But one thing I know , and cannot change , is my love for you will never change and of this I have no doubt ….
you changed me ….. in every fundamental way …..
The Core of my being is very different today
Than it was one year ago , come the fourth of May .