Free

Shall I be Christopher Marlow?
When my words to you were Shakespearean

Cast, against tides….
Not of my own making
But victim of, my own life forsaking

Sonnets unwritten for lacking presence
But in place there where the drippings of a hearts blood in essence.

I will carry in silence that which was meant
For one…..
only one…
but was spent, and twisted,…and rent
Into what it was not meant for.

The closing of a door……

A passage of time
Forever engraved in the shadows of my mind.
My heart shall not follow suit…

It shall remain mute,….
mute forever more.

Will you ever know?

Will ever there be light to round the shadows down
From their standing crown
Of rulership,
They quip,…. and rip
Tear and saw asunder
With authority they plundered the soul of one true….

But no wake shall be held , no chants no spells,……

Cursory Rhymes….. spoken in search of comfort.

I pulled the dagger from my breast
I now put my heart to rest.
Tempest no more, with your storms
No more…….

Melodies,….. fall away….into the distance

You are free.

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I need to pay more attention to my Blog

FB  is a trap of Social Mediocrity,  Trying to keep up with what everyone else has to say .

I just went thru a very interesting year , since May 4 of last year ( 2017 ) ,… I was put on an emotional journey , that over the course of the the next months from that day , would lead me into parts of myself I didn’t know or realized existed or how much influence they had over my life without knowing about it .  I have expanded and contracted in so many ways , I could not begin to relate .

And almost none of it ,…is on my Blog …. ( This is a shame )

But I have some new perspectives in life ,…  I have a new version of me being built , ( It will take time) …. I am aware of so much more than I was one year ago . But will exist in a melancholy state for some time . As you see , there was a person involved in my transformation so to speak . And influence , a mechanism or key , to open locks and boxes long held closed and containing parts of me that had not been dealt with .

As Well as introducing me to an emotional construct I had never truly been a victim of .

My Childhood , was not normal , not by any stretch of the imagination , I did not have Middle School ,High School ,College…. , Social structure at all . Long story , but truly I did not get the Social Education needed to function in life . Technical knowledge abounds in areas , but much of the ability to change and adapt as times changed socially ,

non-existent ,….. this is a learning process happening now .

So much missing from my younger days ,… The Idea of First Love ,…. 17 -20 years old , first heart break etc , , Nope ….. I had Girls , yeah ,…. there were lovers , quite a few . We had liaisons or Intimacies that satisfied what we needed from each other at the time .

 

But not Love …. The First real heart break ,… the one that teaches you how to deal with difficult emotions and survive them and keep going …… Didn’t have it .

I know what it feels like now ……  and I almost didn’t survive it .

Throughout November December , January , I went into a very very deep depression , over things I had no control of , or what I did have the responsibility of controlling , Simply did not know how … and failed on so many levels , in a very sensitive area of life that no one sees , as we all wear our masks to play the theater we play . Feb 1 ,… I almost left this plain of existence …… I also lost someone who I wanted and valued as friend in my life so much that there is no description available for me to put it into words .

It was that persons Influence and effect on me that put the changes in my life into motion….. And then to lose them , and watch that person walk away .  on Feb 3 … two days after ….. On my Blog , scroll down to Feb 3 , for the Poem I wrote that day to see what effect it had on me . ..

I am playing guitar again ….after several  years of not ,  I started writing poetry again , after over 25 years of not . Very Deep poetry , from places in my heart that had long been concealed and buried because of damage beyond my own comprehension .

That Damage was exposed to me during the last year …. vividly .

Also the other side , that parts of myself that I look at , and can see that ,..It is worth it to keep them intact .

I have lived thru Isolation , and Loneliness here in Japan over 15 years that has ruined other people …..
Example ,  One of my favorite singers in the Musical universe , Brad Delph , from the band Boston ,  surrounded by people , that speak his own language , and music , the family bond of that and everything that goes with it …. was ALONE ,….in his own mind and heart he was alone and unable to connect to what he had right around him ….. so much so that he left us ……

I live where it is very quiet , and just an hour 20 minutes away , is Tokyo , the Biggest city on the Planet …. with included suburbs , 30 million plus walking around every day .

And now lost in that crowd is someone who carries parts of me with them . Missing pieces of me ….. and I may never see them again …. it is a pain I am not sure how to describe ………

So I begin rebuilding ….. I begin the cleaning , I begin the structuring and understanding of myself ….in a way I never knew I would need to . But it is me …. truly , for the first time . Because of how this person opened me up , to see all the facades that had been built as defenses over a lifetime , to just simply be able to get by . One day I hope they will realize what they meant to me .

And All of what Happened is missing from my Blog , only tidbits …

Because of the circumstances , I was really unable to detail anything in good conscience , to protect reputations etc , … whatever,… we live in a very different world than we did 20 years ago . Information is instant , and lives can change in even a shorter period of time . Emotions are a commodity ,… and can be unwelcome , as we live more in a…..

throwaway society ,…swipe left , swipe right ….

another change just for the night,

repair nothing , keep only what you need

Soundbyte Knowledge of which we feed

our spirits and minds , forget the hearts

forward motion , no stops and starts

dreams come dreams go ,

but in this , non equitable ebb and flow

somehere there is a space ……

somewhere a time and place

for the memories I cannot replace

with just casual observations .

……………

So much more to me than

the weight of consternation

of deeply ingrained , trepidations

that were falsely adapted ,

for protection not of self but of heart .

For it was a real moment that transpired ,

It was a Real vision that inspired ,

It was a true taste of what had not been known

It was the first glimpse of what should be home .

For home is what a heart , any heart truly searches for .

A Place to stay and move from nevermore ,

to believe , to surrender , to allow to be rendered

into a part of someone else ,…and there be tended to .

Like a part of the garden of that persons existence .

or even more , to dive into without resistance .

 

To crave ,… long for , and ache ,….

in a space in time that 20 years did forsake

the owner of , to believe in love …. yet not see it resolved

Can you imagine this fate ?

This moment of clarification

under the blinding illuminations

of truths  , you are simply not allowed to relate ..

 

So you swallow them , like a bitter pill ….

but I have memories ,…. of things more intimate still ,..

than any kiss would ever give …..

there were no Kisses ….

Not even near misses ,

They were not the desire , nor the intent

But the heart was opened up and it was torn into a million pieces

and molded, twisted , pressed , formed , and into something new it was rent …..

 

Because the Love in question was in fact Completely innocent …. and beautiful in more ways than I can count .

But that time has passed ,…. And time moves on , and there is no continuation of that song ,

But one thing I know , and cannot change , is my love for you will never change and of this I have no doubt ….

you changed me ….. in every fundamental way …..

The Core of my being is very different today

 

Than it was one year ago , come the fourth of May .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Messages that lift your countenance

A friend messaged me out of the blue this morning. I had to share this.

It starts when I open my door and make my way to the car … the air smells sweet but already has a salty coastal dampness to it today … that crisp ‘kerchunk’ sound as the car opens itself to my command … I settle myself into my seat for the journey into work …
Engine purrs … wipers clear the way … head lights illuminated … feeling warmth from the seat already … music on and I’m away …
I begin to drive through the country lanes as Pink Floyd starts to play on the stereo … Welcome to the Machine …
My beautiful journey has begun …
The mechanical pulsing heartbeat … with its slushing stethoscopic rhythm … I want to pull over and close my eyes and just loose myself in that captivating beat that enters my ears and rushes through my head and down my spine … it goes through me like my life blood … it is hypnotic and my breathing is deep and in time … long … slow … in time and with purpose …
I’m suddenly thrust into almost coastal mist … I’m totally submerged and my car is now subaquatic … pulling me under … I swallow to remove the pressure to my ears as I dive deeper … I travel through this murky underwater landscape as the air moves above me like silent rolling silver waves that sparkle eerily with unknown shadows and bright effervescence … all sounds are muffled and acoustics are haunting … sounds like far off whale calls … shut off from everything above the water line … sealed in beneath the waves …
How strange is this cloudy habitat with its passing trees that are now transformed into huge coral growths with their outstretched arms … almost welcoming … wanting to grab me like sirens fingers … fooling me with their haunting song … spiny fingers pointing in all directions but so beautifully silhouetted against the milky haze … passing cars with their underwater search lights that suddenly appear like cats eyes and turn quickly to laser beams as they draw closer … to pass me by with a sudden whooosh but peacefully without shark attack …
Buildings appear like long lost underwater cities … submerged archeology … sunken ships … fascinating hidden structures … I want to explore them but I travel past … travel on in my mind … in my machine …
Welcome to my journey … welcome to the machine …

what does darkness mean…

What does it mean to hurt , To be alone , to feel like there is nothing left .

A Poem I wrote .

“Lie awake , night after night.

Peer into darkness , searching for light.

But the only life here grows in deep shadow.

 

Once a stalwart hand , manning the rigging

To sail ocean deep, mast deeply leaning.

Windward , Dancing upon the waves ,

But now here , the waves , Oceans do crave .

Desolate waste , Broken Hulls ,

Scattered remnants of what was .

Waves of sand and stone,

No anchor to stay

No mooring to call home …..

A tattered flag stands unfurled, its edges torn

No Salt stains , just weather worn …..

Desolate waste this place , of bright unrelenting sun .

Into crag and deep shadow , what lurks here does run,

To escape the punishing illuminations ………

 

Yet,…. under the shadow of one beam of the wreckage, a single flower ,

this tiny flower , ill rooted stood….

Hiding under the protection of broken rotten wood.

 

There are no captains here , There are no stalwart hands

to grip the wheel and steer , away from these desolate lands.

Into deep ocean , and cool waters , …but even there ,… you cannot drink.

Even upon the Blue Ocean …….

There is something that you crave ,and it will go unrequited , unsatisfied, in-satiated

 

Lie awake ,….night after night,…. peer into the darkness

Searching ………searching……..searching

Among the bleached bones of forgotten carcasses……….

 

 

To one whom , I believed in … I am sorry ,…for so many things . But you are a flower … and will always be in a special place in my heart .

I will try to survive …….