We all look back , You know you do to . But most of the friends I had before the internet existed in its modern WWW form . Were a Different type of people .
When I was 16 – 19 , I had a group of friends around me that helped me deal with some very very difficult things in life , They were Family to me as that My Real Family wasn’t ,…. Just Wasn’t .
I have with the search abilities of the Internet tried my very best to track down all of these people . I found info Mostly obituaries , one by one …. Overdoses , Murdered , Car Accidents , Missing , and others .
I found one this morning that set me in a bit of a spin . J.T.S. the 3rd …. Feb 6 , 2013 .
There are two names inscribed under a Tattoo on my Arm . We all three had the same Ink , yet with each others Initials . The First JD …. Was Addicted to Meth Amphetamine , or Crystal Meth .
Life started moving past him faster than he could adjust to . at 19 He Took his own life , he was the first of the Group of friends to go . He was also one of the closest to me , like a Little Brother .
The Other name on my Arm was the news this morning .
There were many women in my life at that time , one ,.Rachel , I never found , but her ex Husband was one of those who never let a chip fall off of his shoulder ,…. There isn’t any info of her anywhere on the net I have searched every dark corner for over 15 years …… It just doesn’t stand to reason that she still is alive . But I cared about her more than she will ever know , There isn’t a day that goes by without me thinking about her . But my heart tells me she is gone .
All the others I actually found info except for one Her name is Cindy , She joined the Peace Corp and went to Ecuador I think .
But this morning I read the Obituary of “JTS III” as it is inscribed on my Right Arm .
He is gone ,………. I am the only one left of the whole group as far as I know . and I am only 47 years old . Not 80-90 Old and Grey with actual reasons for friends dropping off .
47 …… Let that soak into your head for a second . At 47 , all my friends from Denison Tx , in 1983 -84 . Are gone , there won’t be any reunions , There won’t be any phone calls , there won’t be any drinks , There won’t be any sharing of the times we were so stoned we couldn’t make it to fridge to cure the munchies . But it wasn’t Pot that took them . It was Life , it was Society , It was Pain , and Stress and Violence . It was the things they couldn’t control . And I am left alone now . The real connections the people who helped me heal from abusive Parents ( Step Dad that was a Monster and a Mother who simply didn’t care enough to defend me and Abandoned me ) My Real Dad was a Cool dude ,. a real man . but I only knew him from a distance . The one year I had with him was in Germany in 1977 -78 , it was a great year , the only good year of my entire childhood .
In 1982 I was able to go live with my Real Dad , because I wasn’t welcome in my Mothers house , but that happiness was to be short lived , 6 months …… that was all I had , and in the summer of 1982 , My Dad got sick , and never got better . He died . I was walking into the Hospital corridor on the 6th floor into his room just as they were pulling the sheets over his face …. My World shattered into a billion pieces , and I have never been able to find them all . I left that place and ended up in Denison TX . That group of friends ,…… They helped me survive . They Helped me heal and find a reason to live again. There were the girls . I remember each of them . There were no Commitments , they didn’t want any . but they shared themselves with me . They cared about me when no one else had . I remember you all of you , but Rachel ….. I loved you . You were more than a Lover , you were a friend and a comfort for a very very dark place in my life , I will never forget you Thumper .
Cindy , We were ,…only once , physically involved but it seemed our minds met on a different plane …. Thank you . Thank you for your intelligence , Thank you for your Beauty , your Natural sense of things . Your self confidence , because you shared that with me , you gave me confidence , when I had none , it had all been ripped away from me . I still remember that Chess Game . You had me distracted , You won’t win like that again . If your still around , I would absolutely love to have a rematch . But … I can’t find you either .
I shed Tears this morning , alone here in my room . My Mind going back to a time where we lived with passion , and we truly gave a shit about each other . We were each other support , we were each others truth , we were each others …… we belonged to each other .
I miss you …. all of you . Horribly so .
At 47 ,…. I shouldn’t be reading these obituaries , I should be reading your successes , your failures , your blogs , your life stories , I should be hearing your music . I should be drinking with you .
At 47 ……..
JTS the III , at that time you were an Asshole , a Self Centred and Deluded Asshole , but you were still my Friend . You joined the Military and went off to travel the world , and became someone else . And I never got to meet the new you . I only found out about the New you …. By Reading your Obituary ,…. See , I told you , you were a selfish ass ….. You wouldn’t even let me see the changes .
But I will have a Dram of very good Whiskey for you …. I will drink , I will remember , I will cry . just as I am doing right now . I am truly alone now , the last of that group , that time , that Strength , that passion , That Music , My 220 watt per channel Audio setup with my Cerwin Vega D7 speakers , that House , where we sorted thru bags of pot and kegs of beer . where we sat at the Kitchen table and declared that we were Brothers , and Took a Home Made Tattoo gun and Scribed our Initials in each Others Arms under a Unicorn Design that I drew while so stoned I couldn’t see straight , My cat Ninja , who beat the crap out the Tattoo guys dog , Funniest thing we ever saw .
….. I am the last ….
It just feels like my world has crashed down around me again .
But this is a painful world to live in for truthful people , and I know your pain is over . That is the one comfort I take . Because there isn’t any other way to deal with it .
I miss you , all of you
I hate the internet ,…… for showing me this . That there is nothing left of what really truly meant something to me .
Oh and Japan , You really need to change your views about Tattoos , Because you understand Nothing . It has absolutely nothing to do with Yakuza , or Bosozoku , for the people outside of your tiny mindset , They have meaning and history . They Symbolise things that are very important to the person wearing it .