What does it mean to hurt , To be alone , to feel like there is nothing left .
A Poem I wrote .
“Lie awake , night after night.
Peer into darkness , searching for light.
But the only life here grows in deep shadow.
Once a stalwart hand , manning the rigging
To sail ocean deep, mast deeply leaning.
Windward , Dancing upon the waves ,
But now here , the waves , Oceans do crave .
Desolate waste , Broken Hulls ,
Scattered remnants of what was .
Waves of sand and stone,
No anchor to stay
No mooring to call home …..
A tattered flag stands unfurled, its edges torn
No Salt stains , just weather worn …..
Desolate waste this place , of bright unrelenting sun .
Into crag and deep shadow , what lurks here does run,
To escape the punishing illuminations ………
Yet,…. under the shadow of one beam of the wreckage, a single flower ,
this tiny flower , ill rooted stood….
Hiding under the protection of broken rotten wood.
There are no captains here , There are no stalwart hands
to grip the wheel and steer , away from these desolate lands.
Into deep ocean , and cool waters , …but even there ,… you cannot drink.
Even upon the Blue Ocean …….
There is something that you crave ,and it will go unrequited , unsatisfied, in-satiated
Lie awake ,….night after night,…. peer into the darkness
Among the bleached bones of forgotten carcasses……….
To one whom , I believed in … I am sorry ,…for so many things . But you are a flower … and will always be in a special place in my heart .
I will try to survive …….
my heart hurts like bad food poisoning …….. I want my life to change.
This week ……..
5 months of a musical and very emotional journey , coming to a close .
My own life perspectives changing dramatically . Internally and Externally.
I have upgraded gear in my Studio substantially , and ask my self why .. I spent a lot ….
Recent anticipated Loss of a long term friend , who was a guide to me … over many years. Contact is gone and no responses .
So many things I wish I could say openly but they will remain silent .
I am sitting in bed looking out the second story window of my house , wishing I was somewhere or someone else ….. Not because I don’t understand who I am , I actually like certain parts of my psyche , and personality . But my life isn’t what I want it to be because something so incredibly valuable is missing from it . And It quite possibly will never come .
The Material Life we build , never replaces the needs we have as a human .
And we build ourselves into a corner over time , leaving no escape route in case things don’t turn out the way they should . My house doesn’t feel like home . Divided and separate in all things .
Yet my Studio is in my home .
I have a good reputation for my work , Location sound , I get the job done . Working outside is always what it is , I am away from where I am basically isolated from everyone and everything . Like sitting in bed staring out the window ……..
I am missing the one thing in my life , that would make my life worth actually living . And I would be willing to sacrifice so much , to have it . With just a word … I would .
When you know that life could actually be everything you ever wanted and dreamed of , but it is just out of your reach , and you know ….. without question, you know .
So I am staring out my window at a winter sky , and listening to the cold wind blow . Right through my heart .
I am so used to recording everyone else , and I haven’t even tried to really record me .
I recently bought a guitar for the studio , that has an amazing sound to it and plays good.
I spent most of this morning transferring audio from a Recent shoot , 4 days long involving Technology is about all I am allowed to say , (NDA stuff)
As I was setting up folders and doing transfers while waiting for the DATA to move from the recorder to the HDD , I picked up said guitar and put it in DADGAD tuning and let certain current emotions fly on their own …….
I ended up playing for about 2 and a half hours ( DATA being long finished ) and with sore fingers and a somewhat satisfied feeling , I put it back in the case …
But left with the thought ,…. That I was sitting , ….in a recording studio with a shitload of microphones ……… why wasn’t I recording something ?
Why haven’t I ever recorded myself ? ……………….( I have my suspicions , ….)
Esteem issues and other stuff …
But I love recording ,….. The gift of sound …. and I have an artist who comes to my studio and we are making an EP for her that is 4 songs all of which are really good .
they are almost finished …..
Why haven’t I recorded me ?
when going thru the worst storms in your life , …..
“I had a crappy childhood” would be an understatement in the worst way , but what the real issues are is you never realize just how deep the scars go and how far you carry them without knowing it , you just live as you can and keep going , until you hit a wall .
about 3 maybe 4 years ago , I hit that wall without realizing what was happening to me , and the downward spiral began , to the point that around 2 years ago I tried to end it all .
someone stopped me in the process .
Over the past half a year or more , I have been through an emotional rollercoaster that I could never have anticipated in any way ….. some of it good some of it not so good .
there has been an unwilling friend in all of the past half a year that unbenunced to them caught me just as I was falling apart , and I could not be more embarrassed or sorry , but they stuck around ,…. …. and I saw light .
Light , from a darkened cave that had me prisoner for a very long time .
And with the world outside as crazy as it is , with all the bad things happening , it is easy to see how many could be caught into a whirlpool of negativity and depression .
How precious then is someone who takes a moment to get it …. to just simply listen .
I hope that one day they will realize what they did for me ,
Telling a person just embarrasses them sometimes , and especially when It wasn’t their choice ………… but the gratefulness will never change